Guess what, I'm still bored! But that's what the blog is for. I haven't decided where to begin in these remember when entries of the blog. There's just way too much good stuff.
I think that beginning with the equivalent of a blog that I used to receive in my mailbox a couple times is worthy. I have no idea who wrote this "online paper" but whoever it is hopefully has discovered the wonders of weblogging....:)
These entries are courtesy of Paul, who got them from his sister, who may have gotten them from the source, but I'm not sure. Hail Daily Jason!

The Daily Jason - This week's version (I don't know...you figure it out)
vol. IV - this is from sometime in 2001, maybe october?

Last week I erroneously reported that Portland is comprised entirely of hippies (albeit different variations of hippies). I am forced to rescind that opinion after discovering an entirely new social category, one that wouldn't know what a hippie was if even if he was wearing a tie-died wife-beater. That's right, Portland has white trash! And the best
part is...it is living in my own apartment complex! Sweet.
White Trash: A study of cultures
So, the maintenance guy lives right next door to us, and judging by the, um...sounds...a very thin wall is the only thing separating my bedroom from his. At least I think it's his bedroom. If it's not, I wouldn't recommend sitting on his couch. Ever. Another of his favorite hobbies is yelling at his wife/girlfriend/sister (okay, I'm not exactly sure...I'm
just reporting the facts I know). It's a bit tough to make out exactly what he says, but I think I can understand most of it. Apparently she has a "big itch" (I'm guessing it's nothing that a little penicillin wouldn't clear up) and he also has a thing for "duck shoes." Yeah, I know...Weird. Ducks don't even wear shoes.
The fight lasts until approximately the next night, when "Merle" calls his
wife/girlfriend/sister at 3 am. (I don't actually know his name, but "White
Trash Bastard" seems a little impersonal, so his name is now Merle. Deal with
it.) Usually he says he's sorry and he wants to be "her man" and that she should stop "ducking that other guy." (I'm not even sure what that means, but the way he says it, it can't be good.) But no worries, things are back to good within a day or two and the cycle (by cycle, of course, I mean the aforementioned noises) starts again. Damn.
I'm sure that he's not a completely bad guy. I mean, anybody that has the entire Dukes of Hazard videotape library (on BETA, naturally) can't be all bad. And things should get better in a week or so when he can start showering again...who would have thought that making moonshine in the bathtub could take so long?


The Daily Jason (November 2001 edition)
vol. VI

Forgive me if I write about something a little more serious this time, but this is an amazing country in the midst of amazing times. Love it or hate it, you have to respect a people that will take on one of the oldest, most established evils history has ever known, and is willing to use whatever means necessary to win. I am talking, of course, about condiment spills.
You may laugh at the idea of ordering a burger and having the contents spill out onto the wax-paper wrapper after the first bite. But some people will not stand for such things. Thus, in an effort to curb premature condiment evacuation (I don't know...do with it what you will), Burger King will release the ...(trumpets please) ....Left-Handed
Whopper!
Seriously. A left-handed Whopper. That's the answer. In fact, it was important enough to get it's own BK Press Release. Apparently it will be balanced differently, with the condiments "rotated 180 degrees, thereby redistributing the weight of the sandwich ...to the left." To put it more scientifically, all the stuff won't squish out if you hold it in
your left hand.
This seems to bring up some very interesting questions, such as:
A) There is a job writing press releases for Burger King?
B) Can I do that?

Of course there is also the issue of why Burger King ("Making America Fat One Happy Customer at a Time") would make such a sandwich. Are there really that many lefties that can't figure out how to eat a burger? If so, is the balance of the condiments on their Whopper really the biggest problem they are facing? Are these people allowed to buy scissors? And will Burger King properly train all of its employees on how to make this new sandwich? (Okay crew, first you make a Whopper and put everything on it. Then you turn it around. Any questions? Bobby, stop licking the milkshake machine!)
Just some things to ponder for those of you who have time. I know I don't...I have a Burger King application to fill out.
BTW, I'm not making this stuff up. If you want to read all the gory details
for yourself go to:
http://www.burgerking.com/company/press_releases/04_31_98a.htm
(Lauren's note: There is indeed a press release outlining this valuble information. However, it is rather tricky to get to, as the above link sends you to the Burger King homepage. So go to the homepage, click on Company Info, go to Press Releases, then archives 1998, and it's 3/31/1998. Happy hunting!)

To cap off the blog's excitement for the day, here are some actual quotes from freshman year...courtesy of my old AIM profiles :)

"Walk softly and carry a big stick...and go find Humphrey and hurt him"
--Me

"High school = bullshit"
--Sonja

"It's like the Pillbury doughboy on steroids!"
--Ryan

"I don't like people! People are mean!"
--Shelby

"Wausau: Native American for 'lives under rock'"
--Paul G.

"There's nothing too sexy about music theory!"
--Professor Dietrich

"Theft! How nice! Nothing says I love you like crime!"
--Katie K.

"Like I'm his fucking secretary. Call and tell them yourself, you stupid piece of poop!"
--Paul S.



- posted by L. @ 6:51 PM