Three hours till the big move....
Wow. It hasn't quite hit me yet that I'm leaving in like, three hours for Ohio!
I'm so confused.
I was hoping to leave for Ohio with less confusion, but now I think there's more. I don't know what's going through my head. I don't know what I want anymore. Hell, I don't know which way is up! I guess I got what I deserved, but it still sucks. I guess I was hoping too much. I don't know anymore...
On a brighter note, however...
I'm excited. Now, more than ever. I think Ohio will help clear my muddled, confused head. At least it will help me think things through without having any sort of distractions. And it has great potential to be the summer of my life. Not to mention take away my broken heart.
So I'm excited. I'm going to miss everyone, but I'm excited.
Probably should get some shut-eye before the trip, leaving at 4:30AM is not my cup of tea!! Have a great next few days...don't know when I'll post again. :)
- posted by L. @ 1:02 AM

 
Happy Graduation!
Aaah, the big day arrives. I'm in a much better mood than I was yesterday, though that doesn't mean I'm not hurting inside, because pretty sure I still am. I know I'm going to go through this all later today, and I really don't want to. But c'est la vie. Tonight I get to talk to him, and hopefully make a lot of things all better, not for good, but for better. I don't want to be thinking about this in a negative light when I go to Ohio.
Anyway.
I'm so proud of all my friends who are graduating! I am so happy for all of them, but I know I'm going to miss them terribly. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy - this is the hardest graduation I'll have been to yet. I don't even think I was remotely sad about my high school graduation, even though I haven't seen some of my friends from there since! That was more of a "get me outta here!" type thing, where this is a "I don't want you to leave yet" thing. Sigh. I knew it had to happen, but nothing could prepare me for this.
So....
To all my friends- Thank you for making the past three years memorable. I have valued so many of your friendships, and I am going to miss you terribly next year (and this summer!). I wish you all the best of luck in the future, and I will think about our memories from the past for a long time. You guys are incredible.
And it's time for individual tributes!
Beth- Wow. I didn't really get to know you as well as I did until this year, and even then not really till the end, though we started to hang out more at the beginning. You're one of the most fun people to talk to, always have a smile, and is always willing to listen, no matter what the time. I'm so glad that you'll be around next year, I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing you a lot, so I'm excited about that! And hey! August isn't that far away...you guys best be coming to visit me!!
Dana- Some people have the ability to touch lives in a very subtle way. I admire you very much, and I have greatly enjoyed talking to you since I've gotten to know you. We've had a lot of fun over the past few years, even before I really got to know you as well as I did. I'm going to miss your randomness at random times, and sitting in the hallway or Beth's room just talking. I don't know if you're thrilled about possibly living in Ripon next year, but I hope you do so I can see you lots!!
Elizabeth- If it hadn't been for you and Beth, I might have actually gotten decent amounts of sleep and not wanted to fall asleep every single time I had my 8:00 class! But hey, what's the fun in going to bed at a decent hour, not to mention doing homework before it's due?? It's been a lot of fun hanging out with you late hours of the night...talking till 6am with everyone. I'm so glad we pledged together, it's been great ever since.
Maureen- You are one of the most genuinely nice people I've ever met in my entire life. I'm going to miss your smile and your postive outlook. It's been so much fun hanging out with you - mostly lately, but overall, it's been fun. You're a great listener and have a great sense of humor. I guess it kinda sucks, the events leading up to me hanging out with all of you more, but nevertheless, some good did have to come of it, and I'm glad I got to know you better because of it.
Jenny- Fun times with the crazy oboes! Wow, I didn't realize how much I missed you until you were in Paris last year, what am I going to do now? I have had so much fun since I got here, you've been absolutely awesome to hang out with, be in music stuff with, everything. Who am I supposed to make fun of people with now?? "It's like a mist of sound..." Well, whatever way to look at it, it's been great. I'm going to miss you so much next year, but you darn well better be keeping in touch, otherwise....:)
Sperber- When Leahann got me in touch with you during my freshman year, I had no idea that you'd end up being such a great friend and so much fun to talk to. I seriously can look back at the time I spent in your building this year, and be glad about many of the hours I spent talking to you. I definitely wasn't kidding when I said I'd miss talking to you almost as much as I'd miss the boy. Good luck with everything, make sure you remember me when you're famous so I can say I knew you when!
Matt- I've only known you for a month or so, but I already value your friendship a great deal. It's been a lot of fun hanging out with you in the past few weeks, plotting mad revenge against people (where's my brick?) and whatnot. It kinda sucks that I didn't get to know you till I did, but I'm definitely glad that I got to know you at all. It's been fun.
Ryan- I don't know even where to start. You're one of my "kindred spirits" here, one of the few. I've had more fun just talking to you and hanging out, I am going to miss you terribly next year, even though you're moving on to bigger and better things! I hope that we'll always stay in contact, because it's been so much fun these past few years. I'm going to miss you a lot next year!!
Buddy- My favorite (and only) little brother!! I can't count all the crazy times we've had, and I don't know what I'm going to do without you around next year!!! You're one of the people who's made me laugh numerous times, but I know that it hasn't all been a picnic since we've been friends. Who else has gotten me into so many mishaps (madrigal dresses and monk robes what?), but had so much fun at the same time? Not many people. I'm going to miss you so much!!
To my Choraliers seniors- You guys are AWESOME! Thanks for making the last three years memorable, Choraliers has been something I've had a blast with since I got here, and in many ways thanks to all of you. So, thanks for all your hard work and dedication, I'll miss you a lot!
And finally. Last but most certainly not least (I could go on for pages, and I probably will, so maybe stop reading if you don't want to barf).

Andy-
I don't even know where to begin. We have shared SO MUCH together over the past three years...starting as soon as I got here. I have always seen that you were an amazing person, and I had a great time hanging out and getting to know you over the course of my freshman year. We did have a slight misunderstanding, but it was nothing that kept me from wanting to be friends with you.
Sophomore year started and things had changed. I don't know what changed them, or why they did, but you have no idea how glad I am that they did change. I saw you in a completely different light than I had my freshman year, and I wanted to get to know you even better than I already did. I don't know what prompted me in the direction of your room that day, but you have no idea how glad I am that I did. It came out of nowhere, and as you well know, it sent me reeling in the other direction, but thank god you pursued it. Thank god you persisted.
Thus started the happiest and most memorable moments of college.
We had a lot of fun. There is no denying that whatsoever. I don't know if college would have been as much fun without you. Yes, we had a great deal of ups and downs, but it's expected. You stay with someone that long there are bound to be ups and downs. There still are. For a long time there seemed to be more downs than ups, more stupid unnecessary fights, but it was hard. The entire time I was just happy to have you. I always considered myself lucky to have what I had. There was never a day that I didn't thank god for you. You made me laugh, you made me cry, you made me feel so much for you.
There were so many fun moments. So much happiness. There were even times when we were fighting and would burst out laughing because the whole concept that we were mad at each other was so ridiculous it wasn't worth it. I still feel that way.
It's all that that made the end so hard.
Suddenly you weren't there at all, and I didn't know why. I didn't know if you had feelings for me, I didn't know what they were. I only knew that you were gone. And I was absolutely shattered. And I missed YOU. And then more ups and downs occured. I didn't know what to expect from day to day. It was hard, missing you that much, and thinking about you CONSTANTLY.
You say that I never went away, well, neither did you. There was NEVER a time that I wasn't thinking about you. No matter what, I was thinking about you. And I still am.
I dont know what my feelings are right now. I haven't let go of what we had yet. I do, however, know that I will miss you. Saying goodbye last night broke my heart all over again. I knew I had to do it, but I didn't want to. I'm only glad that we came to our senses finally, and actually talked to each other. I was miserable all week deep down, though I put on a happy front. I missed you so unbelievably much.
And now I face three months without you. I'm going to miss you terribly.
Maybe we're right for each other, but maybe we're not.
I don't want to say goodbye, but it's time. At least for now. I can't wait till August when I see you again. And I can't wait to hear from you during the summer.
I'm going to miss you so much.
And I know one thing, that is that I love you, Andy.
- posted by L. @ 9:38 AM

 
And things once again have changed...
But I'm not sure exactly for the better or worse. I'm caught up between feelings two different things...neither of which I should probably be feeling! I don't know what's right, I don't know what's wrong, I just know how I feel. I know what happened, both Thursday night and last night. I'm not going to go into details, but neither of us have been angels. I don't know if that's a good thing, or a bad thing, and technically I don't know whether I was more in the wrong or if he was. It's so iffy. I did more, but I waited until the right mind frame.
I don't know if I regret last night. I know how I felt at the time, and what I felt was right. I don't know if it was in the long run, but it was definitely right at the time.
But now I almost feel as if I've betrayed any chances I had with Andy. Who knows if there are any anyway? I certainly don't. But I don't want to fuck things up, in the chance that there is a future. I don't know if there is, and obviously I haven't given up hope yet. I'm happy. I know I'm happy. But I miss him so much. And I know I hurt him. And I would do anything to take away that hurt. I'd do anything to take away my hurt too.
Three months. That'll be the earliest I'll see him again. I've accepted that. I was the one who chose to go away for three months. But it hurts damnit!!! This isn't supposed to be easy. I know it's not supposed to be easy. I wish it was easy. It's not easy going off to Ohio for three months after saying goodbye tonight.
And I know I'm going to see him when I get back. I know I'm going talk to him during the summer, and I know I'm going to talk to him a fair amount, and hell, I'm going to talk to him probably a lot before I leave! But I am going to miss him so damn much. Nothing will fill that void for a long, long time.
I'm sorry that the night before graduation is me being all melancholy and whatnot. I promise, at least I'll try to, to write something happier tomorrow.
- posted by L. @ 12:00 AM

 
Still reeling...
Wow. That's all I have to say. Wow.
What the hell happened last night? Okay...I know. I still don't want to believe it. I still don't want to accept it. It was one of the hardest things EVER, and I wish I hadn't witnessed it. I'm glad that I mean so little to someone...but to that person: fuck you. There. I said it. So what if it's passive-agressive and I'm not saying it to their face. God knows I would if they were speaking to me. I would in two seconds flat. So maybe it's a good thing (for them!) that they're not speaking to me!
I guess it takes shit like this to find out who your true friends are. It SUCKS that it takes something like this to find out, and it sucks that in the meantime of appreciating all your friends, you have to hurt so bad that you can't even think straight, but the people that are there for you when you need them most are the best friends you'll ever have.
And it's nice that now there are no harbored feelings that maybe things will work out between me and the ex (yeah, pretty sure he doesn't even deserve recognition by name). Deep down, yes, I don't think I've accepted that it's over, but I will. And all the events of last night really help me realize that I deserve SO much better. If he can take a girl home and walk right past me, then he doesn't deserve the time of day from me. I'd tell him all this to his face if he wasn't ignoring me, so it's probably better for him if he keeps not talking to me! I put a lot of merit into the relationship I had with him, and I still realize that I was happy during the time. That doesn't mean that I don't want to throw a brick at him, or tell him to go to hell...yes, I do. I will for a long time. All those promises, I can't forget them.
I'm not going to pretend like I'm over him. Because, clearly, I'm not over him. And I won't be for a long time. But at least I'm ready to move on.
And I don't know what I'd do without my friends. Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without them. I would have fallen a long time ago without them. But they stuck with me even at my worst, and for that they deserve to be commended.
To all of you- I love you. Thanks for getting me into all those um, fabulous establishments, because I, um, forgot my ID...

- posted by L. @ 12:37 PM

 
The nicest email EVER....
So today, I checked my email and got one of the nicest emails ever!! The person that sent said email rocks my world!! Yay!

I didn't want to confuse things any further this afternoon, but I should say what I didn't before. Comparing you to [insert name here] is no contest. You are smarter, more talented, and more beautiful that she will ever be.
I hope you feel better soon, seeing awesome people be sad is no good.

So yeah, the person that sent that made my day. It was awesome.

I'm still mixed up inside about things, people are ignoring me, this is not good, I'm kind of sad about it, but hopefully this too shall pass. *crosses fingers* I don't want to deal with sadness before going to Ohio.

But in positive news, I got out of the shower and put on my Cancer necklace instead of the one I'm so accustomed to wearing on a daily basis, the one that I've, you know, been wearing since, um July. It felt weird without it...and it'll probably be back tomorrow, but hey, it's a step!
- posted by L. @ 1:32 AM

 
Might as well jump on the blogwagon...
Yes folks, it's a new look for me. I figured that since the overall website for bloggers was getting an overhaul, why not me too?? :)
Anyway, things are interesting. I had a good night, shitty morning, now I'm all broken up inside (again). I don't know what's going on, I don't know what to think. Thank god for someone (he knows who he is) that helped me through this afternoon, otherwise I'd be a mess.
So yeah, that's where I am right now. I hate this period of not knowing what's going on. I so was expecting a good day. Maybe there's still hope, maybe not. I don't know anymore...
I really don't know what to say right now, I'm just that mixed up inside, and I really don't know what to think.
The only thing that is remotely close to how I feel is from a musical. Interpret as you wish.


I've been living to see you.
Dying to see you, but it shouldn't be like this.
This was unexpected. What do I do now?
Could we start again please?
I've been very hopeful so far.
Now for the first time I think we're going wrong.
Hurry up and tell me this is just a dream.
Could we start again please?
I think you've made your point now.
You've even gone a bit too far to get the message home.
Before it gets too frightening, we ought to call a halt.
So could we start again please?
Could we start again, please?
I've been living to see you.
Dying to see you, but it shouldn't be like this.
This was unexpected. What do I do now?
Could we start again please?
Could we start again, please?
I think you've made your point now.
You've even gone a bit too far to get the message home.
Before it gets too frightening, we ought to call a halt.
So could we start again please?
Could we start again, please?
I've been living to see you.
Dying to see you, but it shouldn't be like this.
This was unexpected. What do I do now?
Could we start again please?
Could we start again, please?
Could we start again?
--Jesus Christ Superstar ~ Could We Start Again Please?
- posted by L. @ 2:56 PM

 
Ohio? WTF?
So yeah. This whole job thing was a great idea, but now it's not seeming to be such a fabulous one. I'm excited, really, I am. But I'm scared out of my freaking mind. Somewhere along the lines of last night everything hit me. I'm going to be gone, away from my friends and family and loved ones for three months. I get to live with up to three people that I don't know at all. I get to go 6.5 hours away from home for the whole summer and I get to spend 2 days at home after graduation, and then 3 more days at home before moving back here.
WHAT AM I DOING???? Why did I think this was going to be such a great idea??? Is it? Am I doing the right thing?? Or am I just running away from my problems? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what I want, I don't know why I'm doing this. I wish I knew if I was doing the right thing. I wish I knew how things were going to turn out. I want my problems to go away, or I want things to be the way they were. Or do I? I'm having fun. I'm having a good time. I'm re-connecting with a lot of things that I lost. I'm happier about the way a lot of things are going. I'm trying, really, I am. I just miss things. I still haven't accepted them. I want to! Really, I do! Is Ohio the solution? Or is it just a temporary moving on from the problem?? I don't know anymore!!!
I do get to meet lots of new people and I know I'm going to have fun. But when is this feeling going to go away? Am I not going to know whether this is right or not until I get there? I only have 10 days. And I'm scared out of my mind. Absolutely scared out of my freaking mind. I can't get excited right now anyway, I have far too much to do in the meantime. But I'm scared out of my freaking mind. I just wish I knew if this was the right thing to do right now....
- posted by L. @ 1:55 PM

 
Ohio, here I come!
So my job dilemma for the summer has been solved! Hooray!
I had a phone interview for Cedar Point amusement park in Sandusky, Ohio yesterday...and they hired me on the spot!! So I'm super psyched! I'm leaving for Sandusky in TWELVE days!!! I'll be under contract for three months, and will be in Ohio from May 19 until August 20!! Yikes!! I'm really excited though!! I get to meet lots of new people, live away from home, and work a whole hell of a lot more than I would have at home! I wanted to do something like this after my freshman year, but didn't get into gear soon enough, and then last summer I opted to stay at home, for various reasons. I don't regret that decision at all, because I took a summer school class at MATC and absolutely LOVED it! It was possibly one of the best classes I've ever taken. I learned SO much in that class, it was great. Yeah for Latin American history in six weeks!! Heehee.
Anyway, I'm super psyched about this summer!! I get to work like, 40-60 hours in a week, which will be absolutely great. I know I'm going to miss everyone a lot though! It'll be sad. But I'm glad I'm going to do this. I'm glad I get to meet a lot of new people. And hell, people are welcome to visit me anytime! If you want my address, I can get it to you, and my phone number won't change (yeah for my cell phone having service in Sandusky! Hoopa!)! And if you want to get updates, send me your email address, and I'll put you on a list, for mass emails every week or two weeks or whatever. I'll have limited internet access, and whatnot. It'll be great.
As for this year, I've got nine days left here! I'm very sad to see this year end. I'm going to miss all my senior friends SO MUCH!! *tear* I'm getting all teary-eyed just thinking about it. There's going to be someone in particular I'm going to miss a hell of a lot. But he better call me a lot!!! Heehee. And everyone else better call me a lot too!
I've got one final, and one paper left to write, by Monday I will SO be done, and then I just have to kick back and chill for a week! YEAH!! Get to hang out with my senior friends, get my drink on, have a blast. It's going to be hard to say goodbye, but at least we have the last week together.
Okay, I'm going to go take a nap now, because otherwise this posting is going to turn all mushy. And yeah, not quite yet!! :)
- posted by L. @ 4:06 PM

 
Twelve Days...
...until graduation. Too bad I'm not graduating!
Graduation is a bittersweet day for me! First, I'm going to be a senior within a matter of weeks! That's scary! VERY scary!!!!!!!
Second, it means pretty much everyone I'm really close with is leaving me! Which is also very scary! And sad! Very VERY sad!!!
But, it does mean that I'll never have to see some people EVER AGAIN! And that's just a damn good thing.
- posted by L. @ 11:51 AM

 
More humor via email....
from a professor, of course!

I know that I spoke with several of you and told you that it was fine if I did not get your papers today. However, I did not expect to get stiffed by the whole class! The sooner you get them to me the better. I'd love to get these graded before I have to start dealing with exams.

The surly old,
Professor D
- posted by L. @ 10:16 PM

 
Definition of a music nerd...
ME!
again.
Why I'm a nerd now?
Because I now have an entire folder on my computer of four versions of Rimsky-Korsakov's Russian Easter Overture. I need help.
That and it's 3:00 in the morning. Wow.
- posted by L. @ 3:06 AM

 
The day after Springfest...
...and I'm NOT hungover! :) Ha!
Springfest was absolutely GREAT!! I had SUCH a good time! The day started out by going to lunch with the girls after trying (unsuccessfully!) to get my sister to come up for the weekend, but she had to take placement tests for Madison...sad! It would have been so fun if Katie had been around - yeah for my sister! Anyway...
Post-lunch was a choral union rehearsal for a little bit (oh yay...) but luckily it was only like 15 minutes of my time, so hooray for Maureen lending me her car so I didn't have to use up another 20 minutes going back and forth between Rodman and Johnson. After choral union fun, I went over to Springfest and got to listen to my awesome friend James and his band Union Pulse. They were great! It was funny because he saw me get there, and then he's waving to me and everything, and then between songs he talked to me over the microphone, and was like "Hey everyone, that's Lauren!" It was funny, in a slightly embarassing sort of way. Either way, it was funny. And it was great to see him again and hear his band (I do have their CD!) play because I always kept missing them whenever they were playing around Milwaukee when I was actually home, or they were playing somewhere I couldn't get into (damn being only 20!). So hopefully this summer I can hear them play a whole show. Got to hang out with them a little, but they had to get back on the road, which kinda sucked. Sad!
After the band, it was time to start the festivities. Yeah, that's right, I started drinking at 3:00! In the afternoon! This is completely unlike me! But yeah, it was a blast! After a riveting game of drunken Uno (one that never ended), we were all pretty buzzed, which made things just that much more fun. After dinner, and more drinking, I headed off to Ryan's recital with Matt and Allison (and the buzz made the recital even better, though it was awesome to start with!). Ryan is a jazz pianist, so being buzzed helped make Demmer seem more like a jazz club, hehehe. Either way the concert was great. After the recital, we headed back to Johnson, and headed over to Roadhouse (yeah for food!) and ate and hung out and had a great time, even though we kept the place open a little bit later than they probably wanted, but it was okay, and the food was great. Gotta love Roadhouse! I've ordered out from there a couple times, but I hadn't been there since last semester when Joe & I went between Choraliers gigs. We walked back from Roadhouse, got over to Memorial Lawn to hear the band, but it wasn't that great, however I was detained by a lot of my friends who were a bit under the influence, talked to them, had a great time, hung out, didn't really listen to the band, but eh, whatever. It wasn't a great band like it was my freshman year when Jimmy's Chicken Shack came for Springfest (and I missed it, go figure). So I was kind of "yeah, whatever" about the band.
Went back to my room, hung out, went back to my room around 1:45, did some writing, fell asleep in my clothes, woke up at 3:00, brushed my teeth, put on my PJs, went to bed. About 40 minutes later I woke up for no apparent reason that I could figure out, so I kinda stared at the ceiling and tried to fall back asleep. Until the PHONE rang at 3:45! So after stumbling around my room (it was DARK, i was not drunk...my buzz ended around 11:00!), I located the phone, but there was no one there. I silently cursed whoever was calling me at quarter to four :), and hoped they either wouldn't call back or would call within the next few minutes, when alas, my phone rang again. This time I had it in my hand, so it was no problem answering.
It was the ex, calling to say hi. :) Hi, at 3:45 in the morning? That's kind of a weird time. But oh well, it was nice to talk to him. Definitely not going to deny that one! We talked for like, 15 minutes, but both of us were really tired, so the conversation didn't last long. He asked me to go over to his room, which I said no, because I had to get up this morning and go to church and my room is considerably closer to church, especially at 9:45 in the morning on a Sunday! So then I tried to get him to come over to my room, which he also declined. But I've got a rain check on that, so it's all good.
Anyway...today's fun includes more choral union, except this time it's the concert, and that should take a good three hours or so. Joy. Then I have to finish a paper, and write another one! Yay!!! Wait...no! So today will be a day of homework fun! YEAH! Can't WAIT!!!
Off to do lots of work, or maybe a nap before the concert, not sure! :)
- posted by L. @ 12:29 PM