As promised, a new blog!
I knew that in my procrastination of this evening, I would have a new blog posting. However, unlike my promise, this isn't going to be funny. This isn't going to be cute. This isn't looking where it should look, not to the future, but rather to the past.
I'm lamenting something beyond my control.
Is it possible to have so much anger built up towards one person and one event, that it can just make you want to break down and sob?
Because of that one person and one event, I've lost one of my best friends. Maybe not best friends in the sense of we can tell each other everything, but best friends in the sense that we've known each other for more or less our whole lives. He's 21 now, and I'm 20, and for most of that time we've been friends. It wasn't until the last year, maybe two years, that I've lost touch. And college has nothing to do with it. So I'm lamenting that. But it's something I'm lamenting, and something I'll never do anything about.
To that person (who will never read this): Fuck you. Fuck you for making me feel like crap over a mistake I made four years ago. Fuck it, it's over four years ago now, it's pushing five years. I'm over it, you should be too. It did not concern you. It concerned me. It concerned the other person involved. That other person involved hurt me too. So why am I the only one who is made out to be a horrible person? It's like I don't believe in hurting someone because they hurt me, but sometimes it's inevitable. That was inevitable. It would have ended someday. You can doubt this all you want, but there were days when I regretted my decision so badly I wanted to reverse it, but I never did. I'm better off for never having done that. I'm stuck in a rut here, but if I had never done that, then who knows what might have happened. I might have put off my life plans for someone else. I'm making plans right now, so what if they change every day? I'm not putting my life on hold.
I was looking through my computer files while I was procrastinating, and stumbled across something else I shouldn't have found. And I read it, and cried. I'm mad, livid beyond all point of control. I'm mad at me, I'm mad at my lack of good decision-making, I'm mad at the fact that I get reminded of it every time I look at the other person involved (which is, thankfully, narrowing down to only a couple times each year, a few weekends and holidays a year), I'm mad at the other person for treating me the way he did. And I'm mad that I'm still angry about it.
How can someone you care about so deeply hurt you so damn much?? I wanted to close this up this summer. I wanted to forget it. But somehow I remembered. I remembered the good times we had. It's sad when the bad can overshadow the good. It's bad when you can sit there and say "we had fun when we went camping," but then be forced to say "but he was a prick. look what he did to you a few years later."
Sigh.
It's not supposed to be that way.
Or is it?
Is that all we have to look forward to?
It makes me nervous.
Especially since I've fallen in love. With someone else, naturally.
But then things come up, and I say that he's going to hurt me just as much. And my natural instinct is to push him away. And then he'll say that he won't hurt me, but I won't believe him. And I want to stop doing that. And I want to stop lamenting other things beyond my control. I want to stop lamenting this. I want to stop regretting what I did and didn't do. I want to stop wishing I had a rewind button on life. But I also want to look ahead. And I want to get out of the now.
I can't exactly express my feelings. They're mixed up and confused. And there's still an element of hurt involved. But the hurt really is only anger. And I'm not exactly sure who or what the anger is directed at. I suppose it's mostly at myself.

Current music: Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon
- posted by L. @ 9:56 PM