Sometimes, things don't really get easy as time wears away....
Tonight, I headed to the Terrace with Maureen & Beth to see Ellis (hurrah!). I'd been looking forward to this like, all week, since I missed Ellis when she was here last year, due to a temporary case of death. The prospect of seeing Ellis was quite exciting...but yeah.
I forgot how much I actually despise cliques. I was there, talking & hanging out, but it hurt like all hell to see all of my former friends there too, without any acknowledgement of my existance. I have given up talking to them, at least when they're all together, because they gave up talking to me last year. It's been over a fucking year since they started excluding me, and almost a year since I found out WHY, but it still fucking hurts!!!! Of the five (one no longer goes here), I still care about 4 of them. What happened didn't change the fact that I still care about them, and that I would be there for them if they needed me. Nothing changes that fact. The other person, on the contrary, I wouldn't do anything for them. I have no desire whatsoever to ever acknowledge her existance again. I have no desire to ever speak to her again. I never considered her a friend ever. The loss of her as a friend meant nothing to me. It was like "eh, whatever. It's not like she had a great impact on my life. The only impact she made on my life was negative." But the loss of everyone else, the loss of the camaraderie, the memories, the fun we had, that's what hurts. It hurt a year ago, and it hurts just as much now.
- posted by L. @ 11:26 PM