And things once again have changed...
But I'm not sure exactly for the better or worse. I'm caught up between feelings two different things...neither of which I should probably be feeling! I don't know what's right, I don't know what's wrong, I just know how I feel. I know what happened, both Thursday night and last night. I'm not going to go into details, but neither of us have been angels. I don't know if that's a good thing, or a bad thing, and technically I don't know whether I was more in the wrong or if he was. It's so iffy. I did more, but I waited until the right mind frame.
I don't know if I regret last night. I know how I felt at the time, and what I felt was right. I don't know if it was in the long run, but it was definitely right at the time.
But now I almost feel as if I've betrayed any chances I had with Andy. Who knows if there are any anyway? I certainly don't. But I don't want to fuck things up, in the chance that there is a future. I don't know if there is, and obviously I haven't given up hope yet. I'm happy. I know I'm happy. But I miss him so much. And I know I hurt him. And I would do anything to take away that hurt. I'd do anything to take away my hurt too.
Three months. That'll be the earliest I'll see him again. I've accepted that. I was the one who chose to go away for three months. But it hurts damnit!!! This isn't supposed to be easy. I know it's not supposed to be easy. I wish it was easy. It's not easy going off to Ohio for three months after saying goodbye tonight.
And I know I'm going to see him when I get back. I know I'm going talk to him during the summer, and I know I'm going to talk to him a fair amount, and hell, I'm going to talk to him probably a lot before I leave! But I am going to miss him so damn much. Nothing will fill that void for a long, long time.
I'm sorry that the night before graduation is me being all melancholy and whatnot. I promise, at least I'll try to, to write something happier tomorrow.
- posted by L. @ 12:00 AM