Hmph...
I think that I am just incessently bad at showing people how much I appreciate them. I mean, do my friends know how much they mean to me, especially how much they meant to me at the end of last year? I hope so, because there is nothing I wouldn't do for them, should any sort of situation like that arise for them. Or any sort of situation that would be important to them is important to me. I mean that. But I think that communicating through verbal words has been one of the hardest things ever for me to do easily. Some people have no problems telling people that they love them, or that they mean everything to them. For me, it's like a huge obstacle. Do my CP friends know how much I miss them? Probably, if they read this. If they aren't reading this, they can assume that I miss them. But if they're not good at assumptions, and I don't know if I've actually gone out of my way to say that I've missed anyone, even though I do miss them all...do THEY know that??? And my graduated friends, do they know how much I miss them either?? I don't know...but I know that some of the people that graduated last year are some of the closest and most loyal, true friends I've ever had. I know that it was hard maintaining what we had over the summer when we were all spread out through what? five different states? It's hard. I know I didn't try as hard as I could have. Granted, my available time for talking at a decent hour was a tad bit limited, but I know I could have dragged my lazy butt out of bed before noon on say, Saturday or Sunday and called people before I went to work, but I didn't. So, I know I am not the best person at communicating, and I never have been.
And that's where things get bad with the one person that I love more than anything in the entire world. Okay, before I go on, anyone who thinks that I should cease being mushy can cease reading now! :) This is my little therapeutic relief, thank you!!! :)
I have the hardest time communicating with my Andy. And I HATE that. Today was a perfect example of how I absolutely cannot communicate to save my life. If I could get rid of any of my flaws, that would be the flaw I would get rid of. I would keep around all of my other insecurities just to be able to tell people how I feel when I feel that it's appropriate to tell people, because that's one of the most important aspects in keeping and maintaining healthy relationships with people.
Both of us have been realizing lately that we have a huge problem communicating, and that's the last problem that I want to have with him. It's something I'm working on, but slowly. I didn't realize that it was such a huge problem until last week, and I'm trying my damndest to change how that works. But as of yet, we haven't had "the" talk about our lack of talking. Speaking from my end, I know that I was hoping that by just making an effort to communicate more, the problem would clear itself up. However, though it has only been a week since my realization, I am doubting that my passive stance on the situation is the actual answer. But I don't want to be pushy, either. I'm afraid of being pushy about something that is the difference between a good relationship and a bad one. Go figure, the one who wants to communicate more is afraid to take the first step. A year ago, my approach to this would have been 'if he knows that I want to change this, why isn't he doing anything about it?' But that, thankfully, is a terrible approach to take. As long as I can make a difference in the way things work, I want to make that difference. I want to have this talk about how we can communicate to make things better, and I want to have it as soon as possible. Next weekend we're going to Milwaukee for Friday night, and I think that our time in the car might be a good time to approach the subject.
I want this relationship to work even more than I did before we broke up in April. It's been six months since we broke up, and almost four months since we got back together. I've now been seeing him regularly for almost two months now (as opposed to the two times I saw him this whole summer), and I think things are getting back on the right track. It hasn't been an easy process. And I would be lying if I said I had never regretted my TIMING in getting back together with him. I have never regretted getting back together with him, but sometimes (but only for a few weeks after we actually got back together, by the time I saw him for my birthday two weeks later it was a different story) I wished I had waited until I got back to Wisconsin. But now, looking back, the whole relationship never hindered what I was doing in Ohio. I still had a blast, I still met tons of people and made lots of friends. The boys I met at CP were not date material, much less relationship material! The ones I still keep in touch with are good friends and I value that a lot. Having a boyfriend back home never hindered my fun in Ohio, it only added to it. Seeing him made all of June worthwhile.
Whenever he doubts that I was sad without him, I automatically think of a bunch of different instances that, in my mind, only proved that I was absolutely miserable without him.
The face that I didn't sleep for over a week after we broke up, and even then it was spacey sleep, not good sleep. It was sleep scattered with nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night for no reason and not falling back asleep for hours. It was lonely sleep, turning to feel him next to me in bed, and coming up with, at best, a stuffed animal. It was sleep that waking up to in the morning was miserable. It was bad.
The only thing that kept me going that whole time we were apart was the slim hope that we would get back together. Every day I thought that no matter what had happened, I would forgive him and take him back. And it wasn't until May 7 - the day that I accepted my job offer in Ohio that I wouldn't have done that. And even then, I probably would have.
The feeling that I had when he said he wanted to see me again two weeks after the breakup. The feeling that I had when he kissed me again for the first time when he came over that night. The feeling that I knew he wasn't just in it for one thing, even though it sure as hell looked like he was. I knew he wasn't. The way he made me feel even though I felt like I had to push him away afterwards to keep from feeling all those emotions for him all over again.
The feeling I had at graduation, and all the events leading up to graduation. I had fun, yes, and I had tons of people to hold my hand and walk me through the week. But the fact that I went to get my stuff back from him the night before, and then cried in my room for three hours afterwards, and the fact that when I went to say hi to him at the actual graduation ceremony and I started crying as soon as he hugged me, that's intense.
And the fact that as soon as I got settled in my room for the summer, the first person I wanted to call was him because I missed him so badly.
And when he sent me the dozen and a half roses. Looking at them on my dresser every day was like looking at a second chance right in my room.
And when he came to visit me. I can't articulate the frustration I felt at getting off the goddamn bus and having only a fence separating us, yet having to cross the street, walk through a parking lot, and cross a bridge behind two of the slowest moving people of all time, then flying down the stairs, and running across the parking lot. I practically jumped on him as soon as I saw him, and I think I might have knocked him over had he not been leaning on his car. Seeing him again was so great, it was better than I even dreamed. And I had been looking forward to that visit for a good month by the time it actually happened.
The moment he asked me to be his girlfriend again. I said yes without hesitation. The only reason there had been hesitation before was because of timing, like I said. I wanted to be with him again, but I didn't know if it was smart or stupid to agree to date someone who is, at best, nine hours away. But when the time came, any ounce of common sense was thrown out the window because I wanted to be with the person that I love.
After 12 hours of running around after work, getting on train, getting off a train, getting delayed in the Chicago train station, getting on a train to Milwaukee, and finally getting off the train tired, cranky, in need of a shower, and carrying a bag and backpack that weigh about as much as I do, and still having him be the first person I see as soon as I walk into the Milwaukee train station, and getting the second best hug of the whole summer (the first best being when I saw him in the parking lot in ohio).
And how about how much it freaking hurt to say goodbye on July 12, knowing it would be a full six weeks until I saw him again, possibly longer, that hurt. I didn't want to say good bye, I wanted to stay with him.
The fact that I would rather stay up late than go to bed without at least saying good night and I love you, I don't know if I passed a single day without at least telling him that for the whole summer.
Seeing him again in August was the best feeling ever.
Going to class or work when I know he's in my room waiting to see me as soon as I get done with whatever is the best feeling ever, as is waiting for him to be done with work on Fridays so we can start our weekend together.
The thought that I had lost him last week made me stop sleeping all over again.
Would I be happier without him?
The answer is an emphatic HELL NO.
Being in love with someone as much as I am in love with Andy makes people like me want to do anything in their power to make the relationship work.
I don't mean changing for the other person, but a communication issue now with Andy that isn't solved will most likely just mean a nasty breakup in the future, me losing the man I love, and having the same relationship issues with someone else in the future.
So now, I want to make him realize that he means everything to me, because he does. I would do anything (within reason!) to make this work, and would do anything to make he realize how appreciated he is.
If anyone has any suggestions, if you're in fact, still reading, let me know!! :)
Okay, now it's 12:35, despite the fact that this posting will say 9:36, just to give you an idea of how terrible I am at communicating my feelings, and I'm better with writing things down than I am actually saying things!!!!
- posted by L. @ 9:36 AM