Paranoia!
Okay, so I took a nap this morning/early afternoon...but the whole goddamn nap was filled with extremely disturbing nightmares/emotionally draining dreams. When is this going to stop?? It's been going on for about a week now, it's like I can't sleep without having horrible dreams. And then those dreams affect me long past the waking up point. It's not even a matter of forgetting why I was scared/disturbed/frightened anymore because I remember clearly hours after I've been awake.
The basic principle of about half of my dreams is that he's found someone else, someone else a hundred times better than me. And when it comes time to picking which one to choose, I stand no chance, because she's smarter, prettier, nicer, more easy-going, likes more of the same things as him, can relate to him better, wants what he wants in life...overall there is absolutely no competition between her and me. And then I not only have to try and get over him and move on, but I have to do that knowing full well that he's happier now that he and I aren't together, not because we just weren't right for each other and it was over because of it, but because he's found someone else - someone who is perfect for him in every way. And how can I compete with perfection?? How come I can't be perfect? I don't mean perfect in that I am completely flawless, but that I can't be who I want to be? I want to be prettier and smarter and more laid-back. I want to be less insecure about my image and myself. I want to have more confidence in my abilities, and I wish more than anything that I didn't get so paranoid so easily. I never used to freak out about the little things like I do now.
And why? I don't know. I have complete trust in our relationship again. But I still flip out at the littlest things because I'm so damn insecure. And that's why I'm scared to death of these dreams...dreams have never been premonitions for me, ever, but these scare the shit out of me.
The other 'half' of my dreams are flashbacks. As if living through the hell that was April 2004 once wasn't enough, now I keep seeing all those horrible, horrible moments in my dreams again. It's like getting broken up with all over again. I have seen those moments in my dreams so many times, it's painful to recall. I've woken up crying because those horrible dreams have felt so real. Why is this happening?? I'm finally secure in my relationship. I feel like I trust him more now than I ever have. So why now? Is the living nightmare that was Monday still so real and present in my mind? Is that what makes my first dreams so scary?? The situation makes me mad, I will admit. But I trust him enough to deal with it, and he said he did, so I believe him.
I guess I don't trust my mind. I'm sick of having horrible dreams like those. I wake up after one of those, and don't fall back asleep for quite some time afterwards. I wake up crying, I wake up wanting to scream, I wake up shaking. My dreams have replayed the breakup and the pub crawl, as well as other terrible moments too many times to count. And this time, unlike last time, when I wake up, I wake up alone, with nobody to turn to. There are no hands to hold, no hugs to get, nothing...just a lonely, dark room, a stuffed animal, and the need to repress the urge to call him at whatever hour of the morning it is.
I think the only reason that I wanted to go home/back to Ripon after a certain point in August is because I knew that when I got home, he would be waiting for me. And we'd be on the road to starting over again, and having a great relationship again, and because of that, because I knew he would be there, is the only reason I wanted to come back here. I know I would have tired of being there fairly quickly, and now I have lots of great memories from Ohio so I'm glad I left when I did. And when I got back to Milwaukee, I already didn't want to be there. I wanted to be back here, because I knew once I got back here, I would get to see him. And seeing him again made the whole summer worthwhile.
- posted by L. @ 4:24 PM