Melancholy....
Bah, humbug. I'm starting to feel like Scrooge. I want to have a good holiday season, but I have so much crap on my mind lately. I am questioning just about everything. Do I grad-school it? Do I work? Do I move out of Wisconsin? Do I stay in Wisconsin, if so where? North, south, east, west? I love Milwaukee, but do I want to live there? Do I keep my music major or drop it down to a minor? Do I stay with what I committed to during freshman year even though there has been a drastic drop in my involvement, and I'm questioning my heart's dedication to it. Do I burn bridges or keep them intact?? I don't know what I want to do in six months because I have no direction. It's not like I'm banking on finding my dream job out of college, but I don't even know what my dream job would be. I don't even have a passion anymore. It's burned out. My recent realization that at this precise moment in time, I absolutely despise the instrument I've devoted a large portion of time to for the last, um eight years. I'm doing a recital right now for fun, but it's taken a lot of work. I haven't minded the work, it's been very rewarding. But I'm going to have to devote even more time, energy, and work to the recital on my principle instrument, and I don't want to. I have no desire to devote all the time I've devoted to the piano over the last semester to the oboe. Hell, I don't even want to devote half the time to the oboe that I've devoted to the piano, and I would have to devote even more time. I don't want to. I don't to at all. I've wanted to play the oboe since like, 3rd grade, and when I finally started in 8th grade, it was like the coolest thing ever. And I got really good really fast. It just came naturally. And now, eight years later, I could care less if I ever see the instrument again, much less play it. All through college, I was hoping to go to grad school and get some sort of an assistantship for oboe, and now I don't even want to play the instrument anymore.
Blah. What a blah day. Hopefully I don't end up being Scrooge-like this season. Don't worry, it's not going to keep me from getting people Christmas presents (pushing a scarf! i'm good at scarves! and have too much yarn! blah!), and eating lots of food, etc, but really, it's going to be interesting to see if this pans out or not. Bah humbug!!!!
- posted by L. @ 1:45 AM