Today's ongoing debate: Is education more important than sanity OR would dropping out of school now be a bad idea??
Well I may or may not have given it away in the title, but if you think I'm happy go lucky, and want to preserve that image you have of me, I suggest you stop reading now.

If you're still here, I warned you.
I've spent the past three (four?) months debating in my head whether there was more importance held in getting an education (and a college degree) or staying sane. As it stands right now, I am one semester and two weeks away from my bachelor's degree.
To quote Garfield, "Big fat hairy deal."
I haven't decided whether or not it's more important to get the bachelor's degree or to maintain what's left of my personal sanity. I'm long past my boiling point, and my rope gave out years ago.
I guess the thing I've been thinking over and over again is to just fucking drop out. I don't care. What good is having a college degree when the mere act of trying to get the damn thing is making you miserable? I am by far much more miserable this year, much more miserable right this minute, than I ever was on April 8. Or April 9. Or any of those long, miserable nights where I sat up for hours just crying and yelling at whatever power it was that made my entire world just come to a screeching halt. But at least then, then I could look to the future and know that despite how I felt in my self-pity, despite how I felt at having a broken heart, that IT WASN'T MY FAULT. That things would get better as I moved on, because time heals all wounds.
Well, I sure haven't healed from the mistakes I made in April of 2001. That mistake being that I didn't feel like going to a school that was 10 blocks from my house. That I didn't feel like going to a school where I would be overshadowed because of politics (yes, music is very political. it's 10% talent, 90% who you know. or worse). That would be stupid mistake number one. Why in God's name did I make such a shallow choice? Besides, it's not like I came out on top here - ooh, far from it.
Part of the draw of hell (i mean, Ripon), was the prospect of being a big fish in a small pond. Coming from a small high school, where I definitely was overshadowed by people who constantly reminded me how much better they were than me (some friends i had, huh?), I liked the idea that I could spend some time being the big fish so to speak. Unfortunately, this plan not only has backfired, but it's fucked me over biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig time.
My inability to even remotely care about my classes at this point is going to fuck up my GPA. Which isn't very stellar to begin with. I'm not saying I'm a bad student, but if I'm going to struggle in my classes and only come out with mediocre grades, why didn't I go to a school where a music degree would actually mean more than a, oh, flaming pile of dogshit, for instance. I don't know how many music classes I've taken so far, and I've gotten only two A's in any of them; music theory one (which was a joke class, for me anyway), and baroque/classical musical styles. And then for the latter, did I really earn the A, or was it because I wrote so much stuff for my final project and my final essay that he didn't actually grade on content but rather on length? Or is it because I actually turned my stuff in on time? I stayed up till 5 in the morning doing my final projects, and then I got up again at 10:30 to finish up my final essay. I didn't beg for an extension because we had more or less the whole semester to do it, so I knew I had to do it, and did. Did he give me an A for that? Did he give me an A because I went to him to get advice on grad school? Or because I was somewhat teacher's pet? Did I really EARN that A?? And as for the rest, I've gotten B+'s, B's...nothing very spectacular. Why didn't I go to, Lawrence or Madison, or some prestigious sounding music school if I was only going to be a B student anyway?? At least then I would have "Lawrence" or "University of Wisconsin" on my diploma, not Ripon-fucking-College. What's the point?
I came to Ripon because the idea of a liberal arts school sounded good. Hey, nothing like being well-rounded. Well, now I face the ridicule of being just extremely dumb when it comes to sciences, and I'm struggling to pass a 100 level chemistry class when I'm a senior in college. I dreaded going to that class every Tuesday because my lab partner treated me like I was stupid. Eventually that does something to the self-esteem. By the way, I'm a girl, and as you know, we don't have any self-esteem anyway. I'm anticipating no higher than a C in my 200 level history class that I absolutely hate. I've skipped five classes because I dread going to class to hear my professor drone on and on about a book I probably didn't read, and if I did, I hated anyway, so that when he calls on me, I can babble incessantly like a friggin' seven year old about nothing. This semester is going to royally fuck over my GPA. I get out of the tradition Ripon mold and do just fine. I take a history class at MATC with a great group of people, we learned a LOT in a short amount of time, and I aced the class. I even applied for honors credit in the class. Because of the transfer of the credits, etc, I don't know if I got the honors credit, but I definitely applied for it, at my professor's urging. I take the baroque/classical music history class with a professor who hasn't taught at Ripon before ever, and won't ever again either, and I aced that too (for whatever reason). My history classes that I've taken to qualify towards my major - well....those, I try, and fail. I don't mean fail as in F's, but I mean fail as in I try really hard - way harder every time - and come up with, at best, a B or B-. I have a history research paper due at 1pm tomorrow afternoon, and it's now less than 12 hours away from being due, and I'm putting in off based on the logic that I pulled a paper out of my ass for this professor once at 4:00 in the fucking morning, wrote for maybe 90 minutes, and got a higher grade on that than anything else I've ever done for that professor in three separate classes of his. That's not learning anything except that there is no point to actually taking time to write a paper if you stand a chance of getting a higher grade if you bullshit, or get the same grade anyway. College has been nothing but bullshit. Why is a college degree important? I'm probably not going to get a job that I couldn't have gotten out of high school anyway. The only thing that might be on my side is being older than I was in 2001.
And don't anyone ever tell me that I've had an easy life. Bullshit. You call my life easy? I look back at my younger days and realize I spent most of it alone. I'm not saying that I am sad about that at all. Summer days were spent, for the most part, inside. I was much happier reading a book or playing the piano than I was playing outside. I have spent most of my life alone, and have been happier like that. But then there are the times when I wouldn't be happier alone, and I end up that way anyway. And maybe it's my fear of being alone that leads me to detrimental friendships, relationships, participation in groups I wouldn't have usually. Would I have ever joined a sorority if I hadn't felt the need to be a part of a family? Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with joining sororities, and I'm not saying that I don't want to be a part of one. What I am saying is that I don't think I would have joined if circumstances would have been different leading up to college.
I hear people complain about how their parents are tough on them. How they get criticized for what they do or don't do. I would give anything to have one of my parents criticize me. At least then I'd know what it was that they didn't really like about me! Am I too stupid? Am I too smart? Would they have liked me better if I'd be a varsity athlete? Would they have liked me better if I hadn't been a music nerd? Would I be better liked and appreciated if I hadn't been sitting inside reading books? Would I have been better off as a straight-A student? Am I too fat, too skinny, too short? What?? What is it that you don't like about me??
Oh, I know they say they don't dislike me, but I'm not stupid enough to believe that. I know that if I'm out of their house it makes their life better. I could barely persuade them to come get me for a weekend home when I was a freshman in college, and my sister went home every single damn weekend until she dropped out. I'm one semester away from graduating, and my sister isn't even in school anymore. I'm not bashing my sister. I love my sister to death. And in the tradition of older siblings, I'd do anything to make sure that nobody hurts her. Why, I don't know.
Everyone says they'll go home for a while. They'll live at home while they pay off debts, find a 'real' job, etc. By exactly May 16, 2005 (and hopefully sooner), I have to know what the fuck I'm doing. Where the fuck I'm living. Who I'm living with. The option of living at home at all is simply not an option for me. The longest I'd be able to do it would be until June 1...when it would be a more convenient time to start up a lease. If I don't have a job lined up, I have to haul my ass back to Ohio, and work there. I don't have even a temporary job at home.
Easy life, sure. I feel like I shouldn't have anything to complain about. But I'm not the perfect person I may look like on the outside. I constantly worry about where I'm headed with my life. Life is a series of ups and downs, but mine has been more downs than ups. The change of seasons, the short daylight throws my balance completely out of whack. You think that's easy to deal with? And what's the cure for that? For the past two years my room has faced east, so I get as much sun as possible, but big deal. It doesn't make winter any easier. If I smile in your general direction, it doesn't mean I'm happy. It probably means I'm hiding something.
I'm sure you probably think I'm crazy. Maybe I am. Maybe I don't have anything to complain about, but if you think that, don't tell me. I'm not in the mood to hear about how much worse off your life is than mine. I smile because I would rather hide behind a smile than try to explain how I really feel. I need people around who have the patience to put up with me and who are there when I need them. I need to stop having detrimental relationships (of any variety), but the fear of being alone all over again makes me stick with friends I might not necessarily like. I've lost my passion for my only talents. I may smile on the outside, but inside, I'm definitely not smiling.
- posted by L. @ 12:59 AM