Extra, extra!
I've decided to start up a new feature that I am going to run on Wednesdays...whether it be once a month on Wednesdays, bi-weekly, every week, whatever, not sure yet. It's still in the testing stages...
Lauren! Get to the point! What are you going to do??
Okay, okay, I know. I'm going to run news stories and provide my scathing commentary on them. Okay, at least commentary. I'm not going to run anything terribly front-page worthy, unless I can't NOT, but rather stories I find interesting, humorous, just plain stupid, or, if it is front-page worthy, I will provide my scathing, extremely biased opinions. Yea!
So, with no further delay...

The News According to Lauren
Volume One, Issue One


Internet True Love is worth losing fingers for!

So, let me get this straight. You robbed a Pizza Hut over 20 years ago, so you can't go to Canada at all to meet a chick that you met in a chat room but you're deeply in love with her, and it was worth losing all your fingers for after wandering around northern Canada for 100 hours?? Um. Sure. More power to ya, buddy. I think I'll pass on such methods, but whatever works for you.

Real Life Van Wilder!
I can't even come up with a scathing commentary to make. Peanut butter makes you mad enough to put semen on brownies? Okay, seriously, you've got issues. There may possibly be deeper, psychological issues here??? Therapy?? Anyone?? Kids these days!

A Different Kind of Witness
Writing a letter to your shi-tzu in prison may get them a subpoena, and then not be allowed into a courtroom. Seems a tad bit on the ironic side, huh..."no seriously, he has a subpoena..."

Watch out what goes on behind closed doors!
Ohhhhhh, yeah, I think the US would just be one gigantic prison. I wonder if I've broken any laws...and if you go to Maryland, make sure all you are planning on doing is missionary. And make sure you're married. Or maybe that's in North Carolina...Either way, by the time it's 2008, our sex lives just might end up being the business of the government.

That's right, it's hunting season in Wisconsin...for CATS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Holy mother of monkeys. Who wants to shoot cats?? Gotta love lawmakers in this lovely state. :) Better make sure my non-collared cats stay inside. You know why my cats don't have collars?? Not because we're irresponsible pet owners. It's because my cats are too damn stupid to WEAR collars. When Bear had a problem with fleas, we got her a flea collar, and she almost killed herself trying to get it off. So if I theoretically lived in the country, and my indoor cat escaped, someone could shoot it. Yikes.

Well, that concludes this week's version of my news commentary. Had I not had this brainchild today over the cat-hunting article, I would probably have more. Usually I will have more...I mean, unless I get hate mail or stuff like that. :)


- posted by L. @ 4:51 PM