How to get a good grade in history...
Okay. So I'm coming to the close of my four years of school, and I have spent four of my eight semesters of college in history classes taught by a particular professor (Disclaimer: I must state that I do thoroughly enjoy this professor's teaching style, as well as the classes taught, which should be fairly evident based on the fact that I detest American history). However, I have come to a somewhat unsettling conclusion on how to get good grades in said professors class...
Like I said, I've taken four classes with Professor X: History 101 - Intro to History, History 200-something - America 1776-1876, History 200-something-else-that's-different-than-aforementioned-History-200-something-class - Immigration & Ethnicity, and currently, History 300-something - America: Settlement to Revolution (aka 1600ish-1776ish). I have never gotten less than a B in said classes, and one of the above classes I did not even deserve that based on my performance in said class. No complaints from me though.
And now, a handy guide on how to get a decent grade in said classes....

1. Skip. Frequently. And don't excuse your absenses. Don't bother sending an email or leaving a voice mail to say that you're sick/dying/don't feel like going to class/didn't do the homework/your computer is on fire/whatever the excuse is that day.

2. Be late as often as possible. Stroll in anywhere from 2-10 minutes late, even if the class is at 2:10 in the afternoon and you're only late because you spent too much time in the Commons talking to your friends. Better, be late because you were printing off the assignment that was due that day, but since you're printer has no ink...

3. Whatever you do, don't do any of the reading. It IS possible to get a good grade in history and write concise papers without actually reading.

4. Don't buy at least one of the textbooks either. That makes it interesting for referencing during class, and can, at times, get awkward, but who cares? Share with classmates and annoy them. You've just saved yourself some cash.

5. If you do the reading, make sure you do it in class. Ideally, do the reading on one article while Professor X is leading class discussion on another. Use classroom placement to your advantage - sit in a corner or behind someone who is taller than you. When all else fails, hide behind the textbook/article. Or pretend to be frantically looking for something in the article while you're skimming it over, but this should only be used as a last resort, as it could backfire and the professor could call on you.

6. While the professor is talking about one chapter/article, read ahead to another one. Pick out a few key points. Then, raise your hand at the beginning of the discussion to offer your insight. Make it sound as intelligent as possible. Then you've gotten off the hook for being called on again. When said professor is responding to your intelligent insight, smile, nod, and make lots of eye contact. And agree with everything. Bonus points for sounding even smarter by offering more insight/more evidence/further defending your points.

7. Class discussions. Don't pay attention. Don't offer your opinions. Sit there and do other homework/stare off into space/day dream/write scripts to movies. Offer your opinion about once a class period only to avoid being called on later when you don't know what you're talking about. See rule 6.

8. Whatever you do, don't write papers ahead of time. Do them at the last possible minute. Ask for an extension. Even with the extension, make sure to do it at the last possible minute. Be frantically finishing up the paper with only 15 minutes till classtime. By all means, go out to the bars the night before said paper is due. Or stay up late watching TV. Skip other classes to write papers that are already late.

9. Don't even try when writing the papers. The highest grades I've gotten have come from the ones I've pulled out of my ass with only a few hours (or minutes) to spare. The last paper I wrote yielded an A-/B+, and I was frantically finishing it up 10 minutes before class started - it was already four days late (and one day later than the agreed extension). Another paper that yielded me a B+ was written from 4am to 5:30am while I was half asleep and not even paying attention to what I wrote - and that was already about a week and a half late.

10. Classes often end with an assignment of a 1.5-2 page daily assignment paper. Don't turn them in. Make a habit of not turning them in. If you do them, don't do them more than an hour ahead of time. Don't actually read the passages you're supposed to reflect on. Skim over them, pick out a few sentences of note, and write bullshit reaction papers on those 3-5 sentences.

11. If you must do your daily assignments, do them in class. You haven't done the reading anyway, and you're not paying attention to discussions either. Start scratching down your daily assignment, bolt out of class at the end, run to your room/the nearest computer lab, type out chicken scratch, email to professor, claiming you left it in your room/email/mercury folder/the dog ate it/it was abducted by aliens (okay I haven't actually tried the last two).

12. If there is a semester long research paper assigned, miss all of the deadlines for submitting paper topics, etc. Research and write the entire thing the night before.

13. Finally, exert the least amount of possible effort you can. The less effort = higher grade. Don't bother trying. You'll get lower grades, and consequently, more disappointment. :)

Disclaimer: Like I mentioned earlier, I do really like this professor. And I really do like his classes. It blows my mind that I've managed to get two B's and a B+ in his classes thus far with as little work as I've done. Yet I have come out of all of his classes actually learning stuff, which is more than I can say for a lot of classes where I actually DID do work. So, this is sarcasm at it's highest. Riponites, I'm sure you can guess which professor I'm talking about...but don't mention said professor by name. Please. I don't want anyone to think I don't like said professor or his classes, because if I didn't, there are three other history professors in our department, and it's not like I'm certifying to teach history in the public school, so I've taken all of my history classes, save FYS and Sem for my own interest, so I guess I must be getting something (aside from a decent grade with little work) out of these classes! And, like I said, I do learn stuff in them. :)
- posted by L. @ 1:18 AM